Written by Eli McCann from It Just Gets Stranger
Having spent a lifetime researching Cory’s life in order to write this biography, I was finally able to fill an entire twelve-volume set, which I entitled “Fast Cory: What is He Really Running From, and GREAT RECIPIES AND IDEAS FOR CAR GAMES!”* Below I provide you an abridged version to give context for the nonsense he writes on fastcory.com about running absurd distances.
Cory has a wife. Apparently one with an amazing amount of patience and an uncanny ability to not murder a husband who sets an alarm clock for an ungodly hour each day so he can go on training runs across the continental United States before getting to his job where he works as a social worker. Which is not as fun as it sounds. Unless you think it sounds like someone who helps people in bad situations and NOT like someone who goes to parties and tells mildly humorous anecdotes, like I thought when he first told me his job title. In which case, his job is exactly as fun as it sounds. Interestingly, Cory had to obtain a Master’s Degree for this, which consisted of two years of post-grad sitting in a room with overly-emotional people, saying “and how does that make you feel,” and then pretending to write things on a clipboard. If nothing else, this will be excellent practice for when his three children are all teenagers at the same time.
Cory comes from a long line of very interesting people. For example, his great great great great great great Aunt Jackie used to churn her own butter. In fact, a good chunk of his ancestors actually lived without electricity for several centuries. It is this very unique background that has provided Cory the fortitude to persevere through all obstacles, ESPECIALLY THE ONES HE BRINGS ON HIMSELF BY SIGNING UP FOR THE RIDICULOUS 100 MILE RACES HE DOES. His connection to family history is also what inspired him to name the family dog “Aunt Jackie.” Actually I don’t know whether that’s true. I mean, he does have a family dog and that family dog’s name is truly “Aunt Jackie.” But I have no idea why. The dog is a man. And yet these people named it Aunt Jackie. NOT THAT WE’RE JUDGING BECAUSE THE DOG CAN BE WHATEVER IT WANTS AND GOD LOVES EVERYONE. But seriously. They named their male dog “Aunt Jackie.”
So far he sounds like a likable person. But there is a catch. One which I’ve mentioned a couple of times already. Cory runs 100-mile races. No, that is not a typo. No, this is not a drill. Yes, he should be imprisoned for this. Yes, you should call your congressman today.
Cory’s 100-mile races have taken him anywhere from 22 hours to 35 hours to complete. And in case you don’t understand how long that actually is, I just did the math and discovered that that is enough time to listen to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” on repeat between 392.07 and 623.76 times. AT A TWEEN PARTY. AT FULL VOLUME.
As you probably expect, running 100 miles straight is terrible for you. In fact, when Cory took 35 hours to complete the race that one time, he actually hallucinated and had a full conversation with the Care Bears. And I know what you’re thinking: “Oh my gosh, yes please!” But let me remind you—he had to run 100 miles to do this. Not worth it. I can hook you up with some amazing food poisoning or stomach flus or Ebola that will get you the same results without having to take a single step out the door.
We don’t really know why he does this. Some suggest that it’s because he needs to justify the absurd amount of cake he consumes, which has gotten so out of control that the last time he gave blood to the Red Cross, they just shipped his donation directly to Hostess to inject into their next batch of Twinkies.
Despite it being unfathomable that Cory is able to run these races, we, the readers of his blog, are happy that he does. Because what he writes about them is funny and interesting and inspiring in its own special way. Inspiring, because nothing in life seems that hard when you compare it to exercising to Celine Dion singing about the Titanic for more than a whole day.
Because Cory is so good at presenting this world that most of us are too lazy and too reasonable to explore ourselves, he has been able to write for and contribute photographs to UltraRunning Magazine. And anyone who reads his blog and sees the beautiful images he posts is not surprised that his creativity has been appreciated elsewhere.
Cory’s writing is fun. His family is beautiful. And his life goals are confusing. So please read.
*Because I haven’t actually met Cory, and because I was too lazy to do more research than a quick scan of his social media presence (WHY ALL THE CAT PICTURES?), I ran out of things to say about him after one page. So I had to fill the remaining 11.99 volumes with information about which I’m an expert.